Artemis Fowl: The Twin Dilemma
by Pokegeek151
Summary: Foaly and No.1 have finally figured out a way to give souls to clones. But when their test subject escapes to recover her missing memories, she runs into her "original" self-Artemis!
1. Prologue

Prologue

Foaly's Lab, Haven City

Foaly was tired and his eyes stung. It was late and the darkness was creeping in. In order to avoid curious eyes, he had turned off all unnecessary lights, leaving only a single lamp and several gas screens to light up the small room. After several hours of this poor lighting, he was just about to shut everything else down when there was a knock at the door.

He jumped at the sudden noise, then grumbled "It's about time,"

He trotted over to the door of the lab, fumbled briefly with various locks, and eventually swung it open to reveal a diminutive figure clad in a dark cloak. The figure gasped at the sudden movement, involuntarily lifting his head. Bright orange eyes shone out from under the hood, and Foaly grinned, immediately knowing this was the person he had been expecting.

"No.1. You finally made it."

No.1, the young demon warlock, smiled fondly and whispered, "Sorry I'm late, Foaly. Loads of sick people today and the other warlocks needed me at the hospital. Must be a stomach bug going around."

The two of them stepped out of the cool night air and into the dim lab. In the corner, a shining silver pod gleamed, reflecting the small light available. Next to it was a small screen with various numbers and lines moving at a steady rate. Life support monitors.

"I'm going to need a bit more light than this to work. Can't you just draw some blinds, or something?" the young demon asked.

"Nope. We don't want anyone getting suspicious, do we?" Foaly replied tersely.

"Nobody will get suspicious. Anyone in their right mind is in their home, getting some sleep. And even if someone is awake at this ungodly hour, all they will think is that the Great Foaly is working on some crazy invention that will make their lives better."

The centaur sighed in resignation and flicked on an overhead light. The sudden change in brightness made his eyes sting even more, and he surreptitiously wiped away some involuntary tears.

No.1 nodded quickly at Foaly, both thanking him and beckoning him at the same time.

_He wants me to open the pod._ Foaly thought, then; _I must be really tired to have needed to think that._

He clopped over and hesitated, his hand hovering over the button to release the latch. He couldn't see inside the pod at all, as the glass was fogged over due to the heavy breathing of its contents.

_The clone is weak, _he realized with a start._ Clones aren't supposed to be this weak. It could die if this doesn't work. I wonder what made it this...weak._

No.1 stood behind him, waiting for him to open the pod. He coughed loudly, bringing Foaly back to reality.

"Any time, Foaly." He glanced over the centaur's shoulder and saw two things. One, the fogged glass; evidence of the clone's ragged and heavy breathing. And two, he saw the fear and worry on his old friend's long face. "It's fine," No.1 assured him, "It doesn't have a soul, yet. If our experiment doesn't work, no harm done. If it does, it will heal. I can heal it. Although, you know as well as I do that it probably won't work. This is my first attempt at the spell, after all." The demon smiled to show Foaly that, no matter what, it would work out in the end.

Foaly grinned weakly in return. "I know the spell probably won't work. That's why I chose him to clone. It probably won't survive, so we can save success for a...safer donor." But Foaly knew in his heart that this reasoning was flimsy, at best. He stepped back, not wanting to end a life, even if it was doomed to death the moment of it's creation. "You open it. Just press that red button. I don't want to be responsible."

No.1 stared at his friend, his powers of empathy revealing the centaur's internal moral conflict and anxiety.

"Of course, Foaly. No need for you to be responsible." No.1 took a deep breath, and pressed the button.

There was a soft click, and the lid of the silver pod popped up like the trunk of a Mud Man's car. Steam immediately poured out the sides. It was all very melodramatic and sci-fi.

No.1 peered in and saw nothing but the clone. Its familiar face stared up at the ceiling, blue eyes piercing in through the smoke. The display on the screen next to the pod suddenly changed, the heart monitor beating faster, blood pressure rose, all vitals deteriorating.

"I-I should have warned you," Foaly stammered, "during its growth, th-there was a power surge, so, uh, it-the clone, I mean- it is still unstable, and it might b-be physically...different, a bit, from the original, um, donor, and-"

No.1 cut him off. "It's okay, Foaly. I can fix it." He turned back to the pod. Placing his grey hands on the clone's forehead. _It is already warm,_ he thought, _On the verge of feverish._

The demon warlock focused his magic on the clone. He scanned its DNA with his mind, and pulled knowledge and memories and life from the strands.

_There isn't enough,_ he thought, panicking. I can't give it all its memories. But the demon forged on, giving it all he had, determined to succeed.

And in an instant he was done. No.1 sank to his knees, exhausted by the ordeal. On the screen, life signs evened out, showing that the clone was now peaceful and its vitals stable, if not at the peak of health. _I must have healed it while I restored its intelligence,_ No.1 thought dully. Then the world came back into focus as his magic was restored. The young warlock stood up and turned to Foaly.

"I did what I could. If it worked, this clone will have the same knowledge, memories, and emotions as the original. Does it have a name, by the way?"

Foaly had been watching nervously the entire time. He had mixed feelings about the whole thing. On one hand, he desperately wanted it to work, desperately didn't want the clone to die. On the other hand, he didn't want the clone to be as intelligent as its DNA donor. For although the original didn't know it, Foaly had actually cloned Artemis Fowl the second, teenage genius and former criminal mastermind. _The world isn't ready for another Fowl,_ he realized.

"What? Oh. It-his name, at least his technical name, is A2.2. But I suppose, knowing Artemis like I do, he will tell us himself what he wants to be called."

Despite Foaly's almost jovial tones, he didn't want to see his friend's handiwork. No.1 was still looking into the pod, however, searching for signs of intelligence.

No.1 frowned, studying A2.2's features. Something was off somehow, and it took the demon a moment to pinpoint it. "His hair is too long," he exclaimed.

Foaly barely paid attention. He was busy with the life support systems for the pod. "Of course, it-he has long hair. It hasn't been cut yet."

But No.1 wasn't reassured completely. He was about to voice his concerns when his demon empathy sensed something.

"He's waking up!" he cried.

Foaly immediately stopped what he was doing and stared in wonder at the pod's surface. His position prevented him from seeing A2.2's face.

The clone groaned and tried to sit up, and struggled when he realized that he was bound to the pod by thick leather straps.

"Calm down, relax,"' No.1 whispered gently. "You just woke up for the first time, and we don't want you to hurt yourself."

A2.2 settled, and turned his head to face No.1. His blue eyes shone bright with life and an unmistakable will to live.

"Tell me, do you know what your name is?" A nod from the clone. "Do you think you can speak?" Another nod. "Why don't you try? Tell me your name, to start."

No.1 leaned in with excitement. Foaly couldn't stand to look at A2.2's face. It reminded him too much of his good friend. _What if this one is completely different from the Artemis I know?_ Foaly couldn't bear to think about it.

A2.2 took a deep, ragged breath, and said "My...name...is...A...Artemis...Artemis Fowl."

No.1 squealed with glee, and Foaly heaved a huge sigh of relief.

The young demon regained his composure and whispered gently, "I am pleased to meet you, Artemis. My name is-"

"No.1. I am...aware. Some...of my...m...memories...are...are intact. If I...am not..." he took a huge gasping breath, "mistaken, F...Foaly sh...should be...around here...some...somewhere."

"I'm right here, Artemis." Foaly blurted. He trotted over to the pod and tried to take No.1's place in front of the pod, but the warlock held up a hand to stop him.

_Arty's voice is...higher. Almost feminine,_ Foaly mused. But then he dismissed these thoughts, rationalizing that the boy was using his vocal chords for the first time, and was perhaps unsure how they worked.

"How much do you remember?" No.1 asked, in an eager tone. Artemis took several breaths, trying to fill his weak lungs. "On second thought," No.1 hurried, "How about I say something, and you just nod if you can remember, alright?" The boy in the pod nodded gratefully, glad to be able to save his small amount of air.

After several minutes of questioning and empathic reading, they were able to determine that Artemis retained his general genius, and also had a vague idea of who No.1, Foaly, Holly, Mulch, the Butlers and a few other people were. However, he did not have any specific memories, such as those of his adventures with fairies, or humans, for that matter.

Finally, No.1 let Foaly see the conscious and intelligent clone, but warned him that he sensed something wrong with the clone's body itself. Not just the difficulty breathing, but something bigger, more important. Foaly brushed aside these warnings, and gazed into A2.2's pod.

"D'Avrit," he mumbled. "No.1 was right."

For when the centaur saw A2.2 laying there, he realized the gravity of that power surge. _Physical differences, indeed._

The boy in the pod had Artemis Fowl's face, but it was not quite right. There were some small differences in the shape of the face, and when Foaly took a closer look at the clone's body he realized just why that was, and felt shock run through him.

_He...he's a girl! _


	2. Chapter 1

**Oh my glob, y'all! I feels like it's been a million years! School has started for me, which means I now have very little time to write. But guess what-MY GOOGLE DOCS IS FIXED! Which means I once again have access the the fifty-four pages of Artemis Fowl: The Twin Dilemma. Unfortunately, this re-debut section is kinda dull. But I'll try to get something up later, possibly later today, because I CAN! I CAN, BECAUSE IT'S WRITTEN! AAAAAAAHHH! Anyway, enjoy!**

**P.S. IDOAF.**

**P.S.S. Spoilers for book eight.**

Dublin, several hours earlier

Artemis Fowl II was the heir to the Fowl family fortune. He had kidnapped a fairy and ransomed some of her people's precious gold. He had helped to stop the goblin revolution, was the first human in history to make a deal with the People. He had rescued his proclaimed dead father from the Russian Mafiya. Twice, he had prevented the fairy people from being revealed to the world. Once by defeating an American business man who stole some fairy technology, the other time by thwarting a deranged pixie with delusions of grandeur. He saved the ancient demons from being cast off into space and time. He traveled through time to save a species of lemur and cure his mother of a magic illness. He developed and was cured of a psychological disease, and save his warlock friend from indentured servitude. He defeated Opal Koboi one last time, dying to save the world, and brought back to life.

Despite this, no matter how hard he tried, Artemis simply could not understand why this blasted car would not start on command. He could fly a plane, for goodness sake!

"Calm down, Artemis, and try again," his driving instructor said, in the most annoyingly patient voice. "Raise your foot slowly this time, just like I showed you."

This was the fifth attempt, and Artemis was beginning to feel more than a tad frustrated. "Your car is faulty, Mr. Murphy," he said, exasperated, as the car stalled yet again.

"Please, call me Kyle," the instructor injected clamly, for the ninth time in as many minutes. Artemis held in his sigh of frustration. He didn't know where his mother had found this man, but he was quite possibly the single most infuriating person that Artemis had ever had the misfortune of interacting with. At least at school, the teachers were forced to respect his intellect. But Mr. Kyle Murphy, driving instructor "extraordinaire", had spoken in the same, patient, repetitive manner since the lesson had started, showing no response to anything Artemis said except in trivial pleasantries, and a strange insistence on the use of his Christian name. "Why do you think that the car is broken?"

"Because, Mr. Murphy," Artemis vented testily. The man gave him a look. "Kyle, the engine will not even start, which I believe is essential to moving a vehicle."

"Alright, Artemis," Kyle consented, his voice still mild beyond belief. "Shall we switch, and I'll try to see what's going wrong?"

Artemis did not feel that this merited a verbal response, and instead simply unbuckled his seatbelt and slipped out of the right hand door, walking around the front of the car to take the passenger seat.

Kyle slipped into the driver's seat, buckled the seatbelt, pressed his feet gently on the pedals, and turned the key to start the ignition. The car let out a small noise, and Kyle released the handbrake. Of course, the car moved forward perfectly.

Artemis said nothing.

"I fixed it!" Kyle cheered. Artemis felt like he was being mocked. He wasn't entirely certain, as it didn't happen very often, but he definitely was experiencing the feeling of resentment associated with that scenario. It wasn't as though he couldn't drive; he had driven the family's Bently perfectly well on more than one occasion. Informing his instructor of this, however, had not made the slightest difference in how the man had wanted to teach his lessons. Still, there was no harm in trying to make his point again.

"I have never once had this problem in the Bently, Mr. Murphy," the boy said at length, hoping that Kyle did not notice the embarrassing stiffness in his voice.

"We have discussed this before, Artemis. This is the car we will be using. Now," the instructor said, slowing the car to a stop. "Watch me this time. Shall we try again?"

Artemis glanced at the clock on the dashboard. There was still another thirty minutes left of this lesson. He was beginning to regret agreeing to this arrangement.

**I honestly, I must say that most of this section was written by my editor, who actually knows how cars work, and how they don't. ;b Anyway, more to follow!**


	3. Chapter 2

**Hello once again, y'all! I apologize for the shortness of the chapter, but fear not! For a while, I will be able to upload almost every day. Don't count on it for too long, though. I do have a life, and also I forget things, and also I get lazy...anyway, enjoy the forwarding of the plot!**

**P.S. IDOAF**

Artemis waited a few minutes, ensuring that Foaly was completely gone, and not coming back until morning.

_By then, it will be too late,_ the girl thought as a devilish grin crossed her features.

Artemis tightened her focus. She was going to need every ounce of energy she had to get out of Foaly's lab.

Objective one was to climb out of the pod. Easier said than done, she thought. After several deep breaths, A2.2 slowly sat up. She gasped, desperate for air, like a fish out of water. It took her several minutes to regain enough strength to move on to the next step.

She lifted her arms and placed them against the wall of the lab. _That's the issue with putting the pod in the corner, Foaly, _she mused. _It makes my escape that much easier. _

This step would be the most difficult, at least of the steps that she had planned. This whole ordeal was not very well thought out. Even so, Artemis pressed on - literally. She used the wall as an anchor and knocked over the entire pod, biting back a scream as it slammed into the ground, almost definitely breaking some of her bones. The girl ignored the pain, and even had the presence of mind to think, _So much for not breaking anything. _

She used every muscle she had to pull herself out from the bulk of the pod. There was a nasty dent where it hit the hard floor, forcefully enough to leave a few cracks in return. Artemis dragged herself across the floor, and was relieved to discover that Foaly hadn't thought to lock the door. The door handle was just above her, and she reached up and dangled from it for a moment, using the time to force more air into her lungs.

Glancing around one last time, her gaze landed upon the computer that was still hooked up to the pod. All the numbers had dropped to zero, and the heart line was flat. If Foaly has any external access to this computer, which is almost certain, he will have seen the girl's heart rate spike and then fail. _He will think I am dead, _the girl realized._ I don't have much time before he comes back. _

Her resolve strengthened, she allowed all her body weight to transfer into the handle, and somehow managed to yank the door open.

After a final pause for some beloved oxygen, she pulled herself out through the door of the lab, and onto the deserted streets of Haven City.


	4. Chapter 3

**'Sup, y'all? Not much to say about this chapter. Just that it's here.**

**Again, school and what-not. I might have time to work on The Complex Returns today, though. So that's good. **

**I dunno. I'm can't really think of much to say right now. I still have over half an hour left of Study Hall. Double Study Hall. Hour-and-a-half Study Hall. Ughhhhhhhh...**

**P.S. IDOAF**

Haven City, a little earlier

Captain Holly Short was having a good day. She had the chance to sleep in for once, as the commander didn't need her until the afternoon. For lunch, she had fresh picked strawberries-her favorite. Her only mission went perfectly. A gnome had pick-pocketed some rich politician, and, when he was caught by Holly, he went in easily for arrest. Holly had been out late completing the Ritual, and she was running hot. She had even managed to stay on the surface a bit longer than necessary and enjoy a flight over the Atlantic Ocean. Now, she was heading home, actually whistling as she walked. She was happy enough that it seemed fitting, and there was nobody around to mock her.

_Today was perfect,_ she thought. This was always a dangerous thought to have.

Holly stopped whistling. She thought she heard a quiet groan coming from nearby, but it was too dark to see any possible source.

"Hello?" she called, taking a step forward. "Hello? If you are hurt, I can help,"

She flipped down the visor on her helmet and immediately saw one warm body several yards away, seemingly crawling across the ground. The way it moved told her that it was in obvious pain. As the figure got closer, Holly moved up her visor and switched on her tunnel lights.

The figure flinched, and now Holly could make out its features. It had pale skin, long, raven colored hair, and it was wearing a tattered hospital gown. The figure seemed to have difficulty breathing.

It looked up, and Holly almost shouted in surprise as she recognized the features.

_It's Artemis!_ She thought, alarm already on her face.

She ran up to her old friend.

"Artemis! Are you okay? What's wrong? Why are you here?" Holly blurted, speaking more quickly than she could think.

Artemis took a deep breath of recycled air, and whispered, "Holly?"

The LEP Captain backed up slowly, suddenly wary.

_Not Artemis._ This much she could tell. The real Artemis Fowl would know who she was without question. And his voice sounded wrong, somehow. It was in a slightly higher pitch. Lastly, she had seen Artemis recently. There was no way his hair could grow that fast.

"Holly!" not-Artemis said.

_It's...he's...Artemis is...a girl?_ Nonsense, of course, but whoever it was, the figure on the ground before her was definitely female.

"Holly," she said at length. "I need your help."

"Who are you?" the elf asked.

The girl managed a pained chuckle. She took several deep lungfuls of air, and finally whispered, "Don't you recognize me? I'm Artemis Fowl."

The girl said no more, for, as though the words were magic, she was suddenly unconscious, and her limp body fell into Holly's arms.

Holly was too startled to react for at least half a minute. Then her training reasserted itself, and she lifted up the girl who called herself Artemis.

"Of course. Leave it to Artemis to ruin my day."

And with that, she was of, flying back to the shuttleport, figuring out what to say to her friend when she arrive on his front porch with this odd girl, his apparent twin, in tow.

Mid Atlantic Ocean, now

As she flew, a million thoughts flashed through Holly's mind. Foremost among them were questions concerning this strange girl's identity. She called herself Artemis Fowl. But there's no way!

The girl's head turned and she groaned, obviously still in pain.

The motion revealed her face to elf, once again reminding her that, no matter who this girl claimed to be, she still looked almost exactly like the boy she knew.

_Enough to fool me._ It was a sobering thought.

Holly kept flying, unshielded for now. She didn't know what that level of vibration would do to the girl. Whoever she was, she was injured, and Holly didn't want to be responsible for any additional health problems she may develop.

_I hope she doesn't regain consciousness while I'm flying,_ Holly thought with a jolt. _That could be disastrous._

As if on cue, the girl in Holly's arms groaned again.

"Quiet, you," she mumbled angrily, as if it would help. "You're heavy enough without me having to deal with you moving around." Just the same, she gave girl a quick, reassuring squeeze, and began flying just a little faster toward Ireland.


	5. Chapter 4

**Huzzah, y'all! Long chapter! I would have ended it at the first break, but that seemed too short. Keep in mind, for now, what I have was written...not in the format for . But I digress. I hope you guys enjoy this!**

**P.S. IDOAF**

The hours flew as fast as the fairy herself. The world went by in a blur. Holly barely noticed the passage of time. Her thoughts were on the girl in her arms, the one who looked frighteningly similar to her dear friend Artemis.

Eventually, Holly was able to see landmarks. She shielded, wincing as the girl cried out in pain, the vibrations doing nothing to help her weak lungs.

The elf, invisible to the world, increased the power on her wings and flew faster towards Fowl Manor.

Artemis will know what to do.

She hoped.

Despite all her misgivings, Holly pressed on, finally reaching the wrought iron gates to Fowl Manor. She hesitated, then presented her left eye to the retinal scanner. But it was not exactly her eye. It was the eye, Artemis' eye, that she had found swapped for her own after their time in Limbo. Holly now tried to see if the scanner would accept it and allow her to pass.

The elf held her breath as the computer processed the data. Suddenly, to her relief, the small red light turned green and the gate swung silently open.

Holly did not waste a single moment passing through the huge metal gate. She unshielded for the unconscious girl's benefit, and flew up to the front doors. Gingerly, she placed the girl's feet on the ground and attempted to drape her over her shoulder. It was difficult, as the girl shared Artemis's height and weight, and the poor elf barely managed to ring the impressive bell before being forced to use both hands to prevent the girl from falling.

_I should start healing her, shouldn't I?_ Holly thought. She scowled, not wanting to spend her fresh magic on a mysterious girl with an identity crisis. Nevertheless, she began working on the numerous minor cuts and lacerations. _I'll get to those lungs of hers later,_ she decided.

It took several minutes until someone came to the door. It was Butler, who was always alert to the smallest sound.

"Holly. You have a guest." the man-giant said, as if fairies turning up in the middle of the night with strange, injured girls was normal. To be fair, in this household, it was not particularly abnormal, either. "Come in, and bring your friend. I shall wake Artemis."

"She's not my friend," Holly grumbled under her breath, before realizing the initiative Butler took. He invited her in, remembering the fairy law which prevented a fairy from entering a human dwelling without permission. And since Butler didn't know if the strange girl Holly carried was one of the People or not, he invited her as well, just to be safe.

Holly smartly stepped into the house, then suddenly collapsed to her knees, finally unable to bear the girl's weight anymore.

Butler bent down to pick up Holly's burden, then stopped, his mouth slightly open in surprise, as he caught sight of the girl's familiar features.

"Am I still to wake Artemis?" he asked hesitantly.

Holly immediately knew what was going through the bodyguard's head.

"Absolutely."

Butler easily carried the unconscious girl up the stairs to Artemis's room. She currently lay in the crook of his left arm, and as he walked, he studied the girl very carefully.

She was covered in dirt and smears of mud, as well as dried blood. The hospital gown she wore was so tattered and threadbare that it barely stayed on her slim frame. Surprisingly, there were only a few small cuts. Butler assumed Holly had begun to heal the girl.

But it wasn't the clothing, or even the injuries, that caught the man's attention. It was her face. Clumps of raven hair stuck to her face with sweat. She had incredibly familiar facial features, such as unusually white skin, as pale as snow. Butler was willing to bet that this mysterious girl's eyes were bright blue.

All in all, she seemed suspiciously similar to someone he knew. And Butler knew exactly who it was.

It only took a couple of minutes to climb the stairs and follow the hallways to his charge's room. He stopped at the door, waited a moment, and then rapped his massive fist gently on the wooden door.

"Come," answered a quiet and somewhat tired-sounding voice.

Butler carefully opened the door, and carried the girl inside with him.

Artemis stood in the corner, still in his silk robe. His hair was unbrushed, and he overall looked as though he had just gotten out of bed. Which, of course, was precisely the case.

Butler was about to ask when the boy had woken up, but Artemis held up a hand to stop him.

"You are a large man, old friend. Despite all your stealth training, I heard you clomping up and down the stairs. Not to mention the bell. I would not be surprised if Mother and Father are awake, as well as the twins."

The manservant smiled. Same old Artemis. He suddenly remembered the unconscious girl he was carrying when she groaned quietly.

"Turn off the light." Butler said.

Artemis complied. The room was suddenly dark, save the full moon shining through the window.

The huge man stepped carefully to Artemis's bed, cast off the blankets, and gently laid the girl on the satin sheets.

"Who is this?" Artemis asked when Butler seemed satisfied that the girl was comfortable.

"I don't know, but I'm sure Holly will tell us. If I had one guess, I'd say it's you."

Artemis said nothing, simply staring at the girl on his bed with renewed curiosity. The darkness in the room made it difficult to see the detail of her face, but Artemis watched her features warily. He sensed things were not as they seemed, but before he was able to alert Butler to his misgivings, the bodyguard was gone.

_Probably to get Holly. This poor girl is hurt. _

As his eyes grew more adjusted to the dimness of the room, he was able to see the odd girl's face. Upon closer examination, he saw that she looked familiar. Incredibly familiar.

_One would think I would know my own face, if it is indeed mine,_ Artemis thought. _I guess I don't look in the mirror enough._ He almost laughed. _Clearly, fatigue is still with me._

The boy continued to watch the girl's labored breathing for several minutes, until Butler returned with Holly.

"Ah, Holly. Good to see you," he started, but the elf held up a hand to stop him.

"Explain," she said simply.

"Explain what?" Artemis asked innocently.

"Explain this," she replied, accompanying her words with a gesture to the girl on the bed. "Who else would clone themselves into the opposite gender? And why would you leave her injured and alone in Haven City, in the middle of the night? She was clearly delusional. She called herself 'Artemis Fowl'! How did you even get down there, anyway? If you didn't want her, why not just call someone instead of dumping her underground? Why-" she suddenly stopped, seeing the confusion on the the boy's face. "You...you did grow her, right, Artemis?"

"I'm afraid not," Artemis replied, his interest piquing. "You said she called herself by my name? I wonder if she has a name tag. Then we can find out if she is insane or not."

Without waiting for a reply, he stepped over to the bed and began scanning the tattered hospital gown. Now that he was looking for it, he immediately saw the sewn-on label on the left side of her chest, where one might pin a badge. It read "A2.2".

"Hmm..." he mumbled.

"Were you able to find anything?" asked Butler, calm as ever, despite the tension and excitement building in the room.

"It says, 'A2.2'."

"I wonder what it means," Holly said.

Artemis hesitated a moment, unsure if he should tell them his theory. The doubt passed, and he explained, "'A2' is for 'Artemis II', which is me. The 'point two' must be because this is the second clone. I, myself, would be 'A2.1', following this pattern, as I am the first clone. The original Artemis would simply be A2.0. At least, this is my theory, and I do tend to be correct."

The boy glanced at his friends with a sudden feeling of insecurity, desperate to see how they would react to being reminded that the original Artemis was long dead. If they were upset by his reference, it would mean that they saw him as a different person. He wasn't sure if he wanted that.

"That makes sense," Holly said, without the slightest bit of hesitation.

"Good thinking, Artemis." Butler replied, as if nothing was wrong at all.

Artemis gave an internal sigh of relief. "I am aware. Holly, perhaps you should attempt a healing?"

The elf nodded and motioned for him to move.

"Everybody out. She is seriously injured, and things could get ugly."

Both the humans left immediately, fully aware of what an extreme healing was like.


	6. Chapter 5

**Heya, y'all! Oo o, I'm so happy! In the past two days, I've had four new people follow this story! *Squee* Shout out to kirakiragrazia, haileyanimefreak, Xodiac 451, and Ambiguous Cake for following. I know that others have as well, but four in two days?! Oh my glob! Also, to everyone who reviewed...ever. I just love it when I check my email and I have one from thats says "New Story Follower", or "New Review". Long story short, thank you!**

**P.S. IDOAF **

Holly soon finished the healing, and Artemis was allowed back into his own room. A2.2 was sleeping peacefully on his bed, breathing almost normally, with only the occasional gasp.

Holly noticed him studying the girl's breathing patterns, and said hurriedly, "Her lungs were so weak, I wasn't able to heal them completely. Given time, however, she should recover nicely."

Artemis simply nodded.

"Look, I know you really find out what's going on, but she's the only one who can tell us," she said, jerking her thumb in A2.2's direction. "And she isn't ready, yet. Just be patient, Arty. I'm going to go downstairs and wait for Butler. Feel free to join us, if you want."

Artemis nodded again.

Holly left the room quietly, leaving Artemis to stand staring at the girl who shared his face.

He couldn't help but think, _She is awfully pretty, _then mentally slapped himself for being so vain. _I thought I was less petty than that._

Artemis simply observed the girl for a long time, wondering just how similar she would be to himself.

A2.2 groaned and rolled onto her side, startling Artemis, pulling him from his thoughts. He continued to watch as the girl groaned again and rolled back. Suddenly, her eyes flew open, and even in the dark, shone piercingly blue, capturing and reflecting the moonlight.

She turned her face to the side, and saw Artemis standing in the shadows.

She moved her lips to speak, but no sound came out. Artemis was a skilled lip-reader, though, and was able to understand most of what the strange girl was trying to say.

"Hello, Artemis. I wish to speak with you, Holly, and Butler, if you don't mind. I believe some sort of explanation is in order. If you wouldn't mind moving me downstairs, that would be lovely. I wouldn't want to disturb anyone else this evening. And some tea would do wonders on my throat. Thank you." And then she closed her eyes again, but did not fall asleep. She was merely conserving her energy,

"Of course. Sorry. I'll go alert them right away that you are awake. I assume Butler could carry you, or at the very least assist you in walking. One moment."

With that, he hurried out the room and down the steps, into the main parlor, where Holly and Butler were discussing something in cheery tones.

Probably weapons, he assumed.

Butler was the first to notice the boy running toward them.

He stood up and turned to face his charge. "Is something the matter, Artemis?"

Artemis paused to catch his breath from the small amount of exercise, then said, "A2.2 is awake and lucid. She wishes to discuss...herself. Butler, would you mind helping her down the stairs? She doesn't want to wake anyone else up."

"Of course," Butler replied simply. "I assume she will want tea?"

"How did you know?" asked Artemis, mildly surprised.

The man smiled. "I know you would want tea, and it seems safe to say that this girl is some form of you. Once I bring her down, I will start a pot of Earl Grey."

Butler walked away from the boy and the elf, and headed in the direction of the steps.

A few minutes later, Holly and Artemis were able to hear Butler speaking in an encouraging tone, presumably to A2.2.

"That's it. You're almost there. You can do it. Almost there. Just a few more steps."

Then they were able to see A2.2 staggering down the stairs, one at a time, legs shaking, struggling to support herself. Butler held one of her hands in his, and had his other arm securely around her.

At last, she reached the ground level, heaving a huge sigh of relief as she did. Butler helped her limp to one of the armchairs near the fireplace where Artemis and Holly sat staring. A2.2 chose the seat next to Artemis, gazing at his face in wonder.

As soon as Butler was assured A2.2 was settled, he walked briskly out of the room toward the kitchen to make the tea.

A2.2 continued to stare at Artemis, who began to feel uneasy. He was unaccustomed to having girls look at him with such intensity. Usually, intense glares were his part to play.

The girl made no move to speak, so the three of them waited in an awkward silence until Butler returned.

_Why is she looking at me like that? It's unnerving. I do hope Butler returns soon. I can't stand much more of this._

Thankfully, the bodyguard was sitting in a fourth armchair in a few minutes, after serving the tea. The bodyguard leaned forward, watching intently.

Once A2.2 finished her cup, she placed it on the china saucer and addressed the group in front of her.

"I am sure you all have many questions to ask me. Holly finds an injured girl alone on the streets, and brings her to her human friend who looks decidedly similar to said girl. It would raise questions in any mind. I shall start at the beginning. After all, where else is there to start?"

Only Artemis smiled at this.

"It is unsurprising that only Artemis appreciates my humor. No matter. Let me begin. My name is Artemis Fowl II. I am a teenage genius, unmatched in all the world. At least, I should be. I am in fact a clone of Artemis, and in a way, your twin," she indicated Artemis with her head as she said this. "As you know, most clones are dull, unintelligent creatures. I was grown for the use of the demon No.1. He pulled memories and knowledge from my DNA. Unfortunately, there was not enough data in my cloned DNA, so the only way to have my memories returned is through genetic restoration. I feared Foaly was not going to alert Artemis of my situation, so I escaped his lab-"

"Hold on. Foaly was there? Did he grow you?" Holly half-shouted, her voice seething with outrage.

"Of course. Now, as I was saying-"

"Why didn't he tell me?" the elf continued.

"Please, Holly, I am quite close to the big reveal, then I shall be able to answer all your questions."

"And, of course, the reveal is always so important, huh?"

"That is unfair. You know how I am."

"No, I don't. I just met you."

"But I am Artemis."

"No, you're not."

"Ladies, please!" Butler interrupted. He did not shout, but his voice was commanding, and Holly immediately sat down in her chair. She hadn't realized she had stood up in the first place. However, Artemis the girl looked more pleased than anything else. She could finally get on with the big reveal.

"Thank you, Butler. Now, as I said, in order to have my memories replaced, some genetic restoration is required. According to Foaly," she shot a glare at Holly, who silently fumed, "The easiest way to accomplish that is this way."

Before anyone could react, female Artemis leaned over to her male counterpart, grabbed the front of his robe in a vice grip, pulled his face to hers, and kissed him.

The moment A2.2 turned "hostile", Butler stood up, his hand already on the butt of his Sig Sauer. When the threat turned to romance, the bodyguard relaxed his tense muscles. Not that anybody would have noticed the shift.

Holly had no idea how to react. Obviously, she was surprised by the sudden movement. She also felt somewhat amused by A2.2's choice of genetic restoration. But there was also a spark of something bitter that stirred inside her. Jealousy? Thankfully, Holly didn't blow on the spark. She could deal with that later. Or not at all.

For his part, Artemis was completely stunned. His arms were thrust out to sides, as he was in a bit of an awkward position, having been dragged over the arm of the chair. He had been caught completely unawares, and while A2.2's eyes were shut, his eyes widened considerably, and he flicked his vision between his two friends, begging for help with his stares. Butler did not respond to his pleas, and Holly turned her head away a little.

And so, Artemis Fowl endured his most awkward kiss, which also doubled as perhaps the most surreal kiss ever, with no help.

At last, it was over, and Artemis female released her grip on the silk robe.

As the boy hurried to smooth out the wrinkles and return to his seat, Artemis female spoke once again.

"I apologize, Artemis. I should have warned you. I do hope the wrinkles come out of that robe. That is silk, is it not?"

Artemis male said nothing. He simply stared ahead.

"Anyway, I feel much better. I remember everything now. Butler, relax, old friend. There will be no more violence, if that is what worries you." Butler sat down again, surprised by the sudden force in her personality. "Now that my mind is complete, I fear that Foaly may have tricked me. There are plenty of methods in which DNA could have been restored. He simply wanted a laugh. No matter. That was the past. Let us focus on the present."

Though Artemis female continued to talk, Artemis male did not listen. All he could think about was the kiss. Unconsciously, he brought a hand up to his slightly parted lips, fingers barely making contact.

_She...I...kissed me. I kissed me. Her memories are restored. I should really pay attention. But, I kissed me. It is like some bizarre form of incest. Except far more...extreme. She is describing her escape. I really need to focus. My first kiss with a human, was with myself. But she is not you! She is only very similar to you. Now pay attention. Artemis. Artemis. Artemis!_

He suddenly realized that he was not thinking his name. Someone was actually calling him. He blinked a few times and brought himself back into focus. Everyone was staring at him, including her. Himself. He couldn't bring himself to look at Holly or at Butler yet, and so focused on his female twin. On her face was an expression of dry amusement.

"Artemis," she said again. "If you are quite finished talking to yourself…"

"Clearly, I am not," he countered, finding his voice at last. A flicker of amusement crossed the girl's face, and Artemis found himself smiling in response.

"I am sorry to...ah…interrupt," Butler's voice broke through the moment. If Artemis hadn't known better, he would have said that his old friend sounded amused. "But what do you suggest we do next?"

The girl clone opened her mouth to answer, but Holly beat her to it. "Now," the elf said, her voice filled with some unidentifiable mix of emotion - though there was definitely some rage in there - as she got to her feet, "We're going to call Foaly."

"Assuming he is not yet aware of my departure, he will be asleep," Artemis-the-girl pointed out logically. She made no mention of the fact that she was certain the centaur believed her to be dead.

"Oh, I hope so," Holly growled in reply. "But not for long."


	7. Chapter 6

**Hey hey Corphish, y'all! Oh, how I adore making references to things people won't understand. Kudos to you if you do get it, though. And if you get that one, you'll get this one; he ****_did_**** mug Bidoof of his 10,000 poke! Hehe. Froggy of evil laugh. Ok, I'm done with the obscure jokes. Anyway, chapter! ShaadiaPrincessofWeird, this'n's for you.**

**P.S. IDOAF**

Unfortunately for Holly, Foaly was awake. After he had left the lab, the centaur had walked home, worrying the entire time. Since he couldn't monitor A2.2's vitals without his equipment, he was forced to wait until he was at his house to check on his little project.

After what seemed like an eternity, but was really only half an hour, he arrived at his house. The bedroom light was on, and Foaly smiled in spite of himself.

_Caballine stayed awake for me. I really love my wife._

He stepped up to the front door and placed his hand on the scanner. A small bulb above the doorknob flashed green, and the second one followed after Foaly allowed his eye to be scanned.

He opened the door and step inside, then proceeded to shout the most cliche line in history.

"Honey, I'm home!" The centaur was disgusted with himself, and regretted saying it the moment the words came out.

He clopped up the stairs to his bedroom, and indeed Caballine was sitting on the bed waiting for him.

Before she could say anything, Foaly said, "I know. That line was horrible. Never again." he grinned, to help lighten the mood. Caballine was obviously worried. It was in her eyes.

"You know how much I worry about you when you are out late in your lab."

He smiled. "I know. Does Marelyn know I was out?"

"No. She's asleep. That doesn't make it okay, you know."

"Yeah. But this is important. It could change lives."

Caballine stared at her husband. She was aware of everything that he did to make the lives of fairies everywhere better, but, as Foaly well knew, this didn't stop her worrying.

Once again, Foaly realized how tired he was. He climbed into the bed next to his wife, and was asleep within minutes.

Two hours later, the centaur woke up suddenly and bolted upright. He wondered what caused him to wake up so suddenly, and then he remembered the clone.

_D'Avrit,_ he thought. _I meant to check up on her when I got home._

He flung himself out of bed, and ran down the stairs to his home lab.

As he fumbled with the keys, Caballine trotted slowly into the room, rubbing her eyes and yawning.

"What's wrong?" she asked. "And why couldn't it wait till morning?"

Finally, he was able to open up the vitals readings coming from the pod. When he read the charts on the screen, he bit back a sob.

"D'Avrit," he managed to say.

"What's happened?" Caballine asked.

Foaly turned to face his wife. "She's dead."

The centaur was about to ask who "she" was, then stopped when she saw the depressed look on her husband's face.

"I-I have to go back to the lab. I'm sorry, but I need to see what happened."

Normally, she would object, saying he spent too much time in that lab, but she decided to let this one slide. Whatever he had in there right now seemed very important to him.

"Go ahead, I don't mind," she told him.

And he was off. Foaly stopped to grab some equipment and his labcoat before he left, and this delay was just long enough for a call to come through from the surface.

"Umm, Foaly?" Caballine asked hesitantly. "Could you come here, a moment?"

"Can it wait? I really need to go check out the data from the lab. I need to see exactly what happened."

"But...there's a call for you. It's labeled 'urgent'."

Foaly stopped. "Who's it from?"

A pause. "Holly. It's from Holly."

He ran back into his lab and accepted the call, allowing Holly's image to be thrown up on the large gas screen occupying the wall.

"You have some explaining to do, Foaly," Holly said, anger obvious in her voice.

"Explain what?" he asked, genuinely confused. "I thought this call was urgent."

"It is. I'm at Artemis's house, and I brought with me a special guest. She says she knows you."

"What are you talking about?"

"I'm talking about Artemis!"

"Artemis? But I thought you said you brought a guest to his house." And that's when it clicked. "Is she there? Is she alive? Oh gods, I thought she was dead. You actually brought her to Fowl Manor? How much did she tell you? Can I see her? Oh gods."

Holly sighed. "Yes she's here. Yes, she's alive. I did, in fact bring her to Fowl Manor. She told us everything, and you can't see her, because I'm talking to you and she's asleep. We have her side of the story, now give me yours."

Foaly was too relieved to be annoyed at Holly stopping him from talking to his creation. "All her vitals dropped to zero, so I though she died. I guess she just escaped, somehow, and with nothing for life support to monitor, it just called her dead." Holly continued to look at him, not responding, clearly waiting for the explanation. "I grew her because No.1 asked me to. He had an idea for a spell that could give intelligence to clones, as well as memories. So, I grew him a clone. Neither of us expected the spell to work, but it did. Well, mostly. As I am sure she told you, not all her memories were able to be returned. Genetic restoration was the only way, since the spell worked by pulling the knowledge directly from her DNA. One way to do this is by kissing. I admit, I planted this idea in her head. I knew it would have been hilarious. Oh, that reminds me. Did she do it, yet? If she hasn't, I want to watch." He knew that the last part was unadvisable to say, but in his relief he found himself babbling a little.

Holly scowled. "Yes, she did. All her memories are intact. Why did you clone Artemis for this experiment? Why not someone else?"

Foaly beamed, delighted to be able to show off his knowledge. "You see, Holly, not everyone can be cloned so well. We still had Nopal, but we didn't want to try this on her, in case it worked. And we know that Artemis can be cloned, because we've done it before. And besides, We had leftover DNA samples from the last time."

"Fine. Look, I've got to go. I think all this is messing with Artemis-our Artemis-'s head. I need to help him out. Perhaps the knowledge that this is all your fault will help. Good night, Foaly."

Before the centaur could reply, Holly clicked off, leaving Foaly staring at a blank screen.

He turned back to Caballine, who was still in the room, watching the call with a highly concerned expression on her face.

"I guess I can wait to examine the lab," he said cheerily.


	8. Chapter 7

**'Sup, y'all! I had planned on updating yesterday, but I went to a block party and forgot to do it after. If I get a review today that says to, I will update again today. Otherwise, y'all will have to wait. Anyway, NEW CHARACTERS! (KINDA!) One of them is an old friend, the other is a new...antagonist. Not really a villain, but hey. You'll see. I hope you like!**

**P.S. IDOAF**

Mulch Diggums was displeased. He had just hung up a call with Commander Kelp of the LEP, who, incidentally, was his newest client at the PI firm he was running with Doodah Day.

The job itself wasn't too difficult: figure out who had been stealing LEP equipment and turn them in. Should be easy money.

However, after investigating previous theft sites, the police had figured out that the prime suspect was a dwarf. They didn't know for sure, but it was obvious that it was someone with incredible digging skills. A dwarf, perhaps.

Mulch didn't like going after dwarfs. They were his brothers, and he always felt uneasy betraying them to the authorities.

Another thing bothering Mulch was the fact that his partner, the pixie Doodah Day, was on vacation and therefore unable to help out with the case. Mulch didn't like working alone anymore. Back when he was a criminal, he worked alone all the time. But recently, he had grown more and more accustomed to companionship, and actually even found himself seeking it out, much to his own annoyance.

_Maybe I won't be working alone, after all, _he thought as the rest of the details came in from Police Plaza onto his computer.

Commander Kelp had decided where and who his first suspect was. Though technically, he didn't have any evidence against this person, he had said that "this whole situation has his name written all over it".

Mulch grinned. He was going to enjoy this. _If he's the one I'm after, then I can probably get some help from him. Whenever he's involved, things get interesting._

The dwarf grabbed his coat and a few extra bottles of sunblock and headed out the door, flipping the sign in the window to "closed" on the way out.

The suspect, of course, was Artemis Fowl, and Mulch knew that something was brewing if Kelp suspected Artemis.

_Where Artemis is, Holly is, and when they are together, that means I definitely won't be alone for this one._

Haven City, earlier that day

Ilex Pili was stuck in traffic, and she wasn't even operating a motor vehicle. Instead, she was a member of LEPtraffic, a job which many may argue to be the most boring in the entirety of the Lower Elements Police.

Ilex scowled beneath her helmet, waiting for her shift to be over.

_How much longer do I have to be stuck doing this? I have bigger plans. I need to join Recon._ She only had to be on the streets for six months. That's twenty-six weeks. This is week thirty-two, day four. _And I am no closer to taking the exam than I was when I started this damn assignment._

A car tried to cut around some of the other drivers, so Ilex motioned for her partner to wait there while she handled it.

Quietly she said "Pull over," and the sign on her suit picked up her voice and wrote the words in big, yellow letters.

She waited for the car to spot the traffic elf who was signaling for him to pull over.

"Sir, it is against the law to attempt to pass someone on this section of road. This area is single lane, and attempting to cut in front of another driver is dangerous," Ilex droned through her speech, the words feeling pointless after the innumerable times she had repeated them. The first time she had given it energy and inflection, but it hadn't taken long before she realized no one actually cared, including herself.

And this proved to be true yet again. "Whatever, officer. Nobody got hurt. So who cares?"

_Nobody. Nobody cares, _she thought. "No one was hurt this time, sir. But it is important to follow the traffic laws, so nobody gets hurt in the future."

The man shrugged. _You're an idiot,_ she thought to herself. "If this happens again, sir, I will be forced to write you a ticket."

"Whatever," he said again. "Am I free to go, officer?" His voice was thick with sarcasm.

_I wish you were dead_, her mind said. "Of course sir. Have a good rest of your day," her mouth said. She even closed her eyes and tilted her head to the side. _What are you, a pixette? Stop being cute. The LEP doesn't promote cute._

By the time she opened her eyes again, the idiot was gone.

Ilex sighed, and turned back to her partner, who was currently writing a ticket for a sprite in a van.

After clearing the words from her suit-sign, she stood facing the road, head high, shoulders back, apparently content being stuck in traffic. In her mind, however, she plotted. Her idol had been hurt, once upon a time. And her beloved aunt, who was more like a mother, was dead. Both by the same Mud Man. She would find him, and hurt him as he had hurt her.

_They will be avenged,_ the elf thought. _Soon._

Fowl Manor, now

Female Artemis was asleep in the guest bedroom directly adjacent to the bedroom of male Artemis. The boy had a sneaking suspicion Butler had put her in that room on purpose.

_No matter,_ he thought, as he lay in his own bed, preparing for sleep. _It is not as if she will disturb me in anyway._

Suddenly, a series of knocks cause Artemis's eyes to pop open. They sounded as if they came from the wall. He listened harder, and indeed the knocking repeated itself.

It took him a moment to recognize the pattern. _Tap code, _he realized. Used by timing the number of knocks and the time between them to match up with letters. He searched his mind for the chart used in translating tap code. Once he had it set, he waited for the pattern to repeat.

ARTY ACK

In his mind he translated this to "Artemis acknowledge". Someone was trying establish communication with him. The boy had a pretty good guess who it was.

Asleep. Right.

He sighed and sat up in his bed, turning around to face the wall between his room and the one his "twin" was supposedly asleep in.

He tapped out A22 ACK

COM ESTB HOW R U (Communication established. How are you?)

Artemis smiled. A2.2 just wanted to chat uninterrupted. Might as well, he decided.

GOOD U (Good. You?)

FINE CNT BRTH BUT GOOD (Fine. Can't breathe, but good.)

SO UR ME (So you're me.)

YEA I NO WUT U NO (Yeah. I know what you know.)

OD THR R 2 OF ME NOW OUR GENS WIL B UNSTPBL (Odd there are two of me. Now, our genius will be unstoppable!)

He could almost hear her smile. It would match his own.

I FELT ALN WTHOUT U EVN THO I NVR MET U TIL TDAY I FELT SMTHNG MSNG MOSTLY MEMRYS BUT ALSO (I felt alone without you, even though I never met you until today. I felt something missing. Mostly memories, but also) she paused, then tapped, SMTHING (something.)

I UNDRSTND MUST BN HRD NOT HVNG AL UR MEMRYS THR I NO THE FEELNG FRM WHEN THE PPL- (I understand. It must have been hard not having all your memories there. I know the feeling from when the People-)

He was interrupted, MND WPD U I NO WE SHR MEMRYS RMBR (Mind wiped you. I know. We share memories, remember?)

YEA (Yeah.)

SMTMS I PITY BTLR ND HLY (Sometimes, I pity Butler and Holly.)

He waited, prompting her to continue.

WE R GENI ND NOBDY UNDRSTNDS MY JKS (We are genii and nobody understands my jokes.)

O ABSLTLY RMBR MNRVA (Oh, absolutely. Remember Minerva?)

OF CORS (Of course.)

ND THT QRK JK SHE MD ON THE TRN (And that quark joke she made on the train.)

I LVD THT 1 (I loved that one!)

I (I) He paused. WE WR THE ONLY 1 2 GT IT ND IT WAS A GM (We were the only ones to get it. And it was a gem.)

INDD IT WAS (Indeed it was.)

The two of them continued to chat like this through the night, discussing topics that no one in their right mind would discuss so late, like quantum physics and ancient geography.

They didn't even notice the time fly by until the light of the dawn poured into both Artemis' windows.

DWN (Dawn.) Artemis male tapped.

YES (Yes.)

SLP (Sleep?)

YES (Yes.)

And with that, the two of them stopped knocking on the walls for a whole five minutes before Artemis male tapped NO SLP (No sleep.)

WHR WR WE (Where were we?)

And both Artemis' smiled as they continued to talk until Butler came to wake the boy Artemis up and check on his female counterpart to see how she was recovering.

The man was surprised to open the door to his charge's bedroom and find the covers shoved to the end of the bed, and Artemis kneeling at the head of it, his ear to the wall, and his fist raised, ready to knock on the wall. Artemis actually had a look on his face that could be described as sheepish when Butler walked in on his late-night chat session with himself.

"Geniuses," he said aloud. "Can't leave them together for one night without having them discuss something or other."

A series of knocks were heard on the far side of the wall. Artemis translated them in his head.

GENII (Genii.)


	9. Chapter 8

**¡Hola, y'all! ¿Como estas? Motives, introductions, and boys, oh my! Yeah, not much to say. At least, I don't feel like saying. I still have homework and can't really focus. Oh well. Enjoy!**

**P.S. IDOAF**

**P.P.S. I just realized that these chapters have been pretty long.**

**P.P.P.S. Which letter are you supposed to add the more P.S.'s you do?**

Vinyaya's house, Haven City

Even though it was late, Ilex lay wide awake in her bed. She had been living with her beloved Aunt Raine ever since her parents were both killed on a mission to the surface, eighty-five years ago. Ilex had been two at the time. Barely even an infant.

In Raine Vinyaya's will, she had left her house and most of her belongings to her niece, who was almost like a daughter.

And now, only three years after the commander's death, Ilex felt its sting like she did the day she'd first heard the news.

The elf changed that day. She knew Aunt Raine's death was not an accident. She was too skilled to die naturally, and so young. Someone had killed her. And Ilex believed the culprit was Artemis Fowl, the Mud Boy who had caused so much trouble to the People.

The young elf had been away on a mission when authorities discovered that it was actually the work of Turnball Root, and nobody had bothered to tell her. If they had, it was unlikely she would have listened. She blamed the human completely. Regardless of circumstance, her aunt would not have died had it not been for Artemis Fowl's schemes.

So Ilex plotted revenge. She had access to LEP gear bequeathed to her in the will, and she had a partner who had been stealing more from the weapons' storage.

Dwarves will do anything for money, she knew.

Ilex had another reason to hate Artemis Fowl, besides allegedly killing her surrogate mother. He had kidnapped and ransomed her idol, Captain Holly Short. Ilex had been only three years below Holly in the academy, and had dreamed of being the first female in Recon. She looked up to Holly, and everything she stood for.

Until recently, that is. Lately, Holly had been getting awfully close to the humans, one human in particular.

_I think the kidnapping traumatized poor Holly, _she thought. _Perhaps she has what the Mud People call Stockholm Syndrome. Why else would she like those humans so much?_

Ilex had convinced herself that her idol was ill, and the only way to begin the cure was to eliminate the poison that continued to taint her mind.

_That boy Fowl is using her. If only poor Holly could know that, she would hate him, and all Mud Men, as she should. Nobody else seems to know this. It is up to me to save Captain Short._

Fowl Manor

Artemis and Artemis sat side by side at the dining room table, both eating the smoked salmon eggs Benedict that they had requested for breakfast that morning in perfect unison. Butler stared at them from across the way, slowly eating his own breakfast. He was still amazed by how identical they were.

Angeline Fowl walked in quietly, still in her night gown, obviously having just woken up. She shuffled over to the coffee pot Butler had prepared and proceeded to pour herself a cup. She didn't seem to notice her son's twin sitting at the table.

She took a long sip and sighed appreciatively.

"You make the best coffee, Butler. Whatever we're paying you, it isn't enough."

She turned her head to greet her son and stopped, noticing A2.2 for the first time.

"Good morning, Mother," they both said, and Angeline dropped her mug and nearly fainted.

"Mistress Fowl, be careful. You wouldn't want to stain the wood," Butler admonished gently, not helping the situation at all.

"Is something wrong?" asked Artemis the boy.

Angeline stuttered. "Wh-wh-who is th-that, Arty?" she pointed to A2.2. "Sh-sh-she looks...exactly l-like you, only...only a g-g-girl,"

Artemis almost laughed. "Of course she looks like me, mother. She is me,"

His mother was even more confused than before. "What do you mean, she's you?"

"If I may," A2.2 interupted, "I am a clone of Artemis, created by the centaur Foaly. I have all the knowledge and memories of him, and in a sense, we are the same person, except for the small matter of being separate entities, with opposite genders."

Angeline was still unsure of everything the girl had said, but she understood enough to know that she was basically a female version of her son.

"Does this mean, I have a daughter now?"

"Well...yes, I suppose you could say that, Mother. It is alright that I call you Mother, correct?"

The woman beamed. "No. It isn't. Call me Mum. Oh, I've always wanted another girl in the house. Juliet is nice and all, but she is so violent and spend all her time with the twins. Oh god, the twins. They have school today, and if I don't wake them up soon, they'll never be ready in time. Well, it was lovely...meeting you, Artemis. If you'll excuse me," she said, and hurried off to the twins' bedroom to get them ready for school.

Artemis turned back to her twin. "That went well. But honestly, does she really expect me to call her 'Mum'? She knows you well enough to know that it will not happen. Although, given the circumstances, I think she took the news a little too well, eh, Artemis?" He nodded briefly in response. "Perhaps she believed herself to still be dreaming. I suppose I will have to go speak to her again, to ensure she she knows I am not a hallucination or something of the like. But for now, we should let her handle your brothers."

She returned to her breakfast, and the boy next to her simply nodded at her explanations and followed suit. In seconds, their rhythm returned and they were once again eating in unison.

Butler blinked several times, and went back to eating his own meal.

A minute later, the sounds of little feet stamping and high-pitch screams were audible throughout the house. Both Artemii grinned, thinking about the hell their brothers must be putting Angeline through, at that moment. Especially Beckett. He never liked learning and going to school.

After several more minutes of foot-stamping and screaming, a slightly disheveled Angeline walked slowly behind the twins, who were wearing their Saint Bartelby's school uniform. Myles was calm and dignified, obviously not the problem in the equation. Beckett on the other hand, looked almost angry, and his uniform was slightly wrinkled.

Then they saw A2.2 sitting at the table.

Beckett spoke first. "Who are you?" he said bluntly.

The girl smiled. "My name is Artemis," she said calmly.

"That's my big brother's name!"

"Yes it is, Beckett."

He was astounded. "How do you my name?"

A2.2 laughed a little. "I know your name because you are my brother."

Myles jumped into the conversation. "We don't have a sister."

"You do now." That was male Artemis.

"What do you mean, 'we do now'? Where did she come from? How is she our sister?" Myles questioned. He had always been the smarter of the two.

"I am your sister," the girl said, "Because I am Artemis, and he is your brother. And I am a girl."

Beckett jumped back in. "How are you Artemis?"

"Don't you recognize me? I am him, because we are the same person. I was made from him. I am his clone."

Both of the twins were stunned. Finally, Myles said "So you are Artemis?"

"Yes."

The boys grinned. At the same time, they shouted, "SIMPLE-TOON!"

Then they ran off before either Artemis could react. Eventually, the boy said, "You know how they are."

"Yes. Yes I do."

"I hate to interrupt," Butler interrupted, "But Artemis...that is, Master Artemis, has a class at the university in an hour. Perhaps you should get yourself ready? You know how long the drive is."

Artemis male was brought back to reality by his bodyguard's statement.

"Of course. Artemis, if you don't mind," he said as he stood.

"You don't mind at all," she couldn't help using the pronoun to mess with his head.

It didn't seem to work very well. "The lecture today is quite an interesting one. It involves quantum mechanics, which we know all about, from saving Hybras and Jayjay. Would you care to join me?" he asked, offering his hand to help her up.

"I would love to," she replied, accepting the hand.

"Well then, we'd best find you some clothes. I don't expect you to go in that hospital gown," the boy said, reminding his twin that she had nothing to wear.

She looked down, somewhat embarrassed. "Could I borrow some of your clothes, at least for today?"

Artemis smiled in return. "What's mine is yours."

Forty-seven minutes later, the Artemis twins walked into the university lecture hall and took their seats near the front, on the far left.

A few minutes after that, a university student walked up to them. He was tall and muscular, and obviously only in that lecture hall to fulfill graduation requirements, not because he was genuinely interested in the subject.

"Hey, girl. I've never seen you here before. You know, you're pretty cute. You wanna go out sometime?"

Artemis female almost rolled her eyes, but at the last moment stopped herself, appearing as though the idiot boy had said nothing. Artemis male immediately knew what she was trying to do, as the same idea had went through his head, as well. He went into action immediately.

"Who on Earth are you talking to?" he said, with as much confusion as he could.

"Shut up, nerd. I'm talking the girl sitting next to you. With the long, dark hair?"

Artemis shook his head. "There is no one there. You must be delusional."

"But she's right there! She looks just like you, too," he shouted, then stopped, apparently figuring it out. "I get it. She's your sister, isn't she? Well, you can't fool these eyes. Your sis' is a cutie. And I'm gonna ask her out."

Artemis sighed, giving up. "Whatever. All I'm saying is that no one is there. May I suggest you go to the infirmary? You may be ill."

The boy fumed. "I am not insane! I can see her sitting right there! You see her too, right?" he called to someone nearby.

This particular student was not fond of the boy calling to her for help. She had dated him for a month before he dumped her for some other girl, and was happy to finally get some payback.

"I don't know what you're talking about, Damond," she said, causing both Artemii to smile briefly before wiping their faces so as not to be caught by Damond. "That boy is sitting all alone. Maybe ya should get checked out.

He lost it. After the boy tore out of the room, the girl walked up to them and said, "That was hilarious. Nicely done..." her tone implied she was looking for their names.

"Artemis," they both said.

"Right...My name is Jessica, by the way. Jessica McStrat. I hate that guy. I really do. It was good to be able to mess with 'im a bit. Anyway, I should get to my seat...um...Artemis. Lecture's 'bout to start."

And with that, she ran off, more than a little frightened of the strange twins sitting side by side, apparently of one mind. She wasn't far from the truth.


	10. Chapter 9

**Oh my glob, y'all! I'm so sorry I haven't updated. I've been busy with licking helicopters, being sick, and overall surviving my first year of high school. Anyway, I hope you enjoy this chapter! It is mostly meeting Ilex some more and Artemis female meeting part of the family. Have fun!**

**P.S. IDOAF**

Vinyaya's house, Haven City

Even though it was late, Ilex lay wide awake in her bed. She had been living with her beloved Aunt Raine ever since her parents were both killed on a mission to the surface, eighty-five years ago. Ilex had been two at the time. Barely even an infant.

In Raine Vinyaya's will, she had left her house and most of her belongings to her niece, who was almost like a daughter.

And now, only three years after the commander's death, Ilex felt its sting like she did the day she'd first heard the news.

The elf changed that day. She knew Aunt Raine's death was not an accident. She was too skilled to die naturally, and so young. Someone had killed her. And Ilex believed the culprit was Artemis Fowl, the Mud Boy who had caused so much trouble to the People.

The young elf had been away on a mission when authorities discovered that it was actually the work of Turnball Root, and nobody had bothered to tell her. If they had, it was unlikely she would have listened. She blamed the human completely. Regardless of circumstance, her aunt would not have died had it not been for Artemis Fowl's schemes.

So Ilex plotted revenge. She had access to LEP gear bequeathed to her in the will, and she had a partner who had been stealing more from the weapons' storage.

Dwarves will do anything for money, she knew.

Ilex had another reason to hate Artemis Fowl, besides allegedly killing her surrogate mother. He had kidnapped and ransomed her idol, Captain Holly Short. Ilex had been only three years below Holly in the academy, and had dreamed of being the first female in Recon. She looked up to Holly, and everything she stood for.

Until recently, that is. Lately, Holly had been getting awfully close to the humans, one human in particular.

_I think the kidnapping traumatized poor Holly, she thought. Perhaps she has what the Mud People call Stockholm Syndrome. Why else would she like those humans so much?_

Ilex had convinced herself that her idol was ill, and the only way to begin the cure was to eliminate the poison that continued to taint her mind.

_That boy Fowl is using her. If only poor Holly could know that, she would hate him, and all Mud Men, as she should. Nobody else seems to know this. It is up to me to save Captain Short._

Fowl Manor

Artemis and Artemis sat side by side at the dining room table, both eating the smoked salmon eggs Benedict that they had requested for breakfast that morning in perfect unison. Butler stared at them from across the way, slowly eating his own breakfast. He was still amazed by how identical they were.

Angeline Fowl walked in quietly, still in her night gown, obviously having just woken up. She shuffled over to the coffee pot Butler had prepared and proceeded to pour herself a cup. She didn't seem to notice her son's twin sitting at the table.

She took a long sip and sighed appreciatively.

"You make the best coffee, Butler. Whatever we're paying you, it isn't enough."

She turned her head to greet her son and stopped, noticing A2.2 for the first time.

"Good morning, Mother," they both said, and Angeline dropped her mug and nearly fainted.

"Mistress Fowl, be careful. You wouldn't want to stain the wood," Butler admonished gently, not helping the situation at all.

"Is something wrong?" asked Artemis the boy.

Angeline stuttered. "Wh-wh-who is th-that, Arty?" she pointed to A2.2. "Sh-sh-she looks...exactly l-like you, only...only a g-g-girl,"

Artemis almost laughed. "Of course she looks like me, mother. She is me,"

His mother was even more confused than before. "What do you mean, she's you?"

"If I may," A2.2 interupted, "I am a clone of Artemis, created by the centaur Foaly. I have all the knowledge and memories of him, and in a sense, we are the same person, except for the small matter of being separate entities, with opposite genders."

Angeline was still unsure of everything the girl had said, but she understood enough to know that she was basically a female version of her son.

"Does this mean, I have a daughter now?"

"Well...yes, I suppose you could say that, Mother. It is alright that I call you Mother, correct?"

The woman beamed. "No. It isn't. Call me Mum. Oh, I've always wanted another girl in the house. Juliet is nice and all, but she is so violent and spend all her time with the twins. Oh god, the twins. They have school today, and if I don't wake them up soon, they'll never be ready in time. Well, it was lovely...meeting you, Artemis. If you'll excuse me," she said, and hurried off to the twins' bedroom to get them ready for school.

Artemis turned back to her twin. "That went well. But honestly, does she really expect me to call her 'Mum'? She knows you well enough to know that it will not happen. Although, given the circumstances, I think she took the news a little too well, eh, Artemis?" He nodded briefly in response. "Perhaps she believed herself to still be dreaming. I suppose I will have to go speak to her again, to ensure she she knows I am not a hallucination or something of the like. But for now, we should let her handle your brothers."

She returned to her breakfast, and the boy next to her simply nodded at her explanations and followed suit. In seconds, their rhythm returned and they were once again eating in unison.

Butler blinked several times, and went back to eating his own meal.

A minute later, the sounds of little feet stamping and high-pitch screams were audible throughout the house. Both Artemii grinned, thinking about the hell their brothers must be putting Angeline through, at that moment. Especially Beckett. He never liked learning and going to school.

After several more minutes of foot-stamping and screaming, a slightly disheveled Angeline walked slowly behind the twins, who were wearing their Saint Bartelby's school uniform. Myles was calm and dignified, obviously not the problem in the equation. Beckett on the other hand, looked almost angry, and his uniform was slightly wrinkled.

Then they saw A2.2 sitting at the table.

Beckett spoke first. "Who are you?" he said bluntly.

The girl smiled. "My name is Artemis," she said calmly.

"That's my big brother's name!"

"Yes it is, Beckett."

He was astounded. "How do you my name?"

A2.2 laughed a little. "I know your name because you are my brother."

Myles jumped into the conversation. "We don't have a sister."

"You do now." That was male Artemis.

"What do you mean, 'we do now'? Where did she come from? How is she our sister?" Myles questioned. He had always been the smarter of the two.

"I am your sister," the girl said, "Because I am Artemis, and he is your brother. And I am a girl."

Beckett jumped back in. "How are you Artemis?"

"Don't you recognize me? I am him, because we are the same person. I was made from him. I am his clone."

Both of the twins were stunned. Finally, Myles said "So you are Artemis?"

"Yes."

The boys grinned. At the same time, they shouted, "SIMPLE-TOON!"

Then they ran off before either Artemis could react. Eventually, the boy said, "You know how they are."

"Yes. Yes I do."

"I hate to interrupt," Butler interrupted, "But Artemis...that is, Master Artemis, has a class at the university in an hour. Perhaps you should get yourself ready? You know how long the drive is."

Artemis male was brought back to reality by his bodyguard's statement.

"Of course. Artemis, if you don't mind," he said as he stood.

"You don't mind at all," She couldn't help using the pronoun to mess with his head.

It didn't seem to work very well. "The lecture today is quite an interesting one. It involves quantum mechanics, which we know all about, from saving Hybras, and subsequently and Jayjay. Would you care to join me?" he asked, offering his hand to help her up.

"I would love to," she replied, accepting the hand.

"Well then, we'd best find you some clothes. I don't expect you to go in that hospital gown," the boy said, reminding his twin that she had nothing to wear.

She looked down, somewhat embarrassed. "Could I borrow some of your clothes, at least for today?"

Artemis smiled in return. "What's mine is yours."


	11. Chapter 10

**Oh my goodness, y'all! It's been /forever/ since I uploaded! School, I guess, particularly the homework aspect. Oh well. I plan on posting another chapter of this later today,just for you guys! Anyway, I recommend rereading the end of the last chapter, in order to better understand what is happening here. Honestly, I'm just too lazy to put a "Previously on The Twin Dilemma..." like one princess I know. *hint hint read her stories hint hint* I'm sure you'll be able to find her. If there's one thing people know how to do, it's use the internet. Anyway, this is getting to be far too long. Enjoy!**

**P.S. IDOAF**

Forty-seven minutes later, the Artemis twins walked into the university lecture hall and took their seats near the front, on the far left.

After a few minutes, a university student walked up to them. He was tall and muscular, and obviously only in that lecture hall to fulfill graduation requirements, not because he was genuinely interested in the subject.

"Hey, girl. I've never seen you here before. You know, you're pretty cute. You wanna go out sometime?"

Artemis female almost rolled her eyes, but at the last moment stopped herself, appearing as though the idiot boy had said nothing. Artemis male immediately knew what she was trying to do, as the same idea had went through his head, as well. He went into action immediately.

"Who on Earth are you talking to?" he said, with as much confusion as he could.

"Shut up, nerd. I'm talking the girl sitting next to you. With the long, dark hair?"

Artemis shook his head. "There is no one there. You must be delusional."

"But she's right there! She looks just like you, too," he shouted, then stopped, apparently figuring it out. "I get it. She's your sister, isn't she? Well, you can't fool these eyes. Your sis' is a cutie. And I'm gonna ask her out."

Artemis sighed, giving up. "Whatever. All I'm saying is that no one is there. May I suggest you go to the infirmary? You may be ill."

The boy fumed. "I am not insane! I can see her sitting right there! You see her too, right?" he called to someone nearby.

This particular student was not fond of the boy calling to her for help. She had dated him for a month before he dumped her for some other girl, and was happy to finally get some payback.

"Ah don't know what you're talking about, Damond," she said, causing both Artemii to smile briefly before wiping their faces so as not to be caught by Damond. "That boy is sitting all alone. Maybe ya should get checked out.

He lost it. After the boy tore out of the room, the girl walked up to them and said, "That was hilarious. Nicely done..." her tone implied she was looking for their names.

"Artemis," they both said.

"Right...Mah name is Jessica, by the way. Jessica McStrat. I hate that guy. I really do. It was good to be able to mess with 'im a bit. Anyway, I should get to my seat...um...Artemis. Lecture's 'bout to start."

And with that, she ran off, more than a little frightened of the strange twins sitting side by side, apparently of one mind. She wasn't far from the truth.

Haven City

Foaly slept in that morning. Now that A2.2 was no longer in the lab, he had nothing pressing to take care of. Plus, it had been a late night, and the centaur need sleep.

When he finally arrived at his lab, he was concerned that the door had been left ajar. He hoped nothing was broken or stolen.

He clopped inside, and nearly fainted in horror at what he saw.

The pod lay on its side in the middle of the floor, its support legs broken. The side was dented, and ripped wires emanated from it.

The floor itself was broken, as well, with a massive hole underneath the pod, and little cracks coming from all around it. The computer was were it should be, but wires dangled from it, a couple still sparking.

_So much for not breaking anything,_ he thought.

After shaking his head to clear it, he stepped forward, bent down, and heaved on the toppled pod. He managed to lift it and lean it gently against the wall where it had been previously.

He then kneeled down to more closely examined the floor.

"I'm going to have to get this fixed," he said to himself.

"That you are, my friend. Nasty break. What did you drop?" came a voice behind him.

Foaly quickly stood up and wheeled around, only to come face-to-face with Captain Holly Short.

"Ah, Holly. Good to see you. What's new?"

She glared at him. "You know what's new," she said darkly.

"Right. Well, I think I figured out how A2.2 escaped. That's her technical name, by the way."

"I know," she said in the same malevolent tone.

He cleared his throat loudly. "Well, you see, she must have pushed off the wall, knocking over the pod. It must have hurt awfully bad, dropping from that height in a big metal ball, as it were. I imagine she broke several bones."

"This is all very fascinating. But I don't really care. I need to talk to you about...this," she said, exasperated.

"This?" the centaur asked, obviously knowing what she was referring to yet still trying to sound unaware.

"You know exactly what I'm talking about. Can you get No.1 in here? I need to talk to him, too."

"I can try," said Foaly, a little defeated. Holly sounded very serious.


	12. Chapter 11

**I have no excuses, y'all. Honestly, being on this end of the process, I sometimes forget that the people reading my stories are just that-people. I swear, all I did was forget. I feel like a horrible person. So, I've decided. I'm going to post four chapters today. You heard me-/four chapters/. In a row. All at once. Today. I recommend that you go back and reread the last chapter, since it has been an eternity. I hope you forgive me!**

**P.S. IDOAF **

Fifteen minutes later, the little demon knocked on the door to the disarrayed lab, letting out a quick gasp when he saw the dent in the floor.

"Wow," he muttered. "What happened? How's A2.2? Where is she? How's her memory?" he asked, clearly unaware of the events of the previous night.

Foaly tried to explain, but didn't know how to say it to the demon. "You see, um, well...the thing is...A2.2...she, um..."

The look on No.1's face was heartbreaking. His first guess was that the clone had died, and to him, it was like losing one of his dearest friends, which in a way, it was.

Holly interrupted before the demon began crying. "She's alive, No.1, don't worry. And her memory is back as it should be. She's safe."

No.1 looked up, on the brim of tears. He immediately cheered up.

"Oh thank gods," he said. "Can I see her? Where is she now? Why isn't she here? How did she get her memories back? There wasn't enough DNA-"

Holly held up a hand to cut off the flow of questions.

"She escaped Foaly's lab last night, so I brought her to Fowl Manor. She got her memories by..." she hesitated a moment too long, although managed to keep her facial expression neutral. "Genetic restoration."

No.1 grinned fiendishly. "Like with a kiss?" Holly turned red. "It was a kiss! Oh my goodness. You must have been devastated, Holly! To see another girl kiss Artemis, even if it was himself. Oh wow, I wish I could have been there to see it!"

Then he saw how upset Holly was. "I'm sorry. That was mean. Are you okay, Holly?"

The elf forced a smile. "I'll be fine," she reassured him. Then her features grew serious. "It can't stay on the surface. It's too dangerous. It might expose the People's secrets," she said.

"There is just as much a chance of A2.2 revealing us as there is Artemis revealing us, but you don't see us doing anything to him," Foaly replied. "She knows better."

"But we can't have anyone notice that Artemis suddenly has an identical twin. Can't we just...turn it off, or something?"

No.1 was aghast. "You can't just turn her off, Holly. She's a person with feelings and memories. She's your best friend!"

Holly's expression suddenly turned grim and angry. "No. She isn't. Foaly is my best friend. You're my best friend. Hell, Artemis is my best friend. But this...thing," she said, motioning towards the empty pod, "Is not. I barely know her. She is a stranger. Why does everyone assume that because she looks like Artemis, that means she is Artemis? They are separate people!" she shouted.

Foaly and No.1 simply stared at her, unsure what to say.

"I'm done here. I'm going home. If anyone comes looking for me, tell them it's my day off."

And with that, she stormed out of lab and started running in the direction of her house. A careful observer might have noted the tears beginning to run down her face.


	13. Chapter 12

**Not going to say much for the next couple chapters. **

**Special thanks to HowObjectionable who wrote the first part of this chapter, and for all of my editing in general.**

**P.S. IDOAF**

Dublin, Ireland

This time, Artemis had managed to start the car on his own first try. Kyle Murphy had not commented on it other than to say "let's go", but the small smile on his instructor's face was enough to ensure that Artemis would be in a less than thrilled mood for the rest of the lesson.

"Slowly, Artemis," Kyle said pleasantly. They were driving around in circles as the instructor tried to get the boy used to the workings of the vehicle. "Ease up on the gas a little. You aren't ready to be going so quickly yet."

_Not ready? Not ready? _Artemis scowled. This was infuriating. There were so many more important things waiting for him at home right now, and yet here he was, having pointless driving lessons from this annoying man. It wasn't as though he'd ever be short of someone to drive him places should he need it. Nevertheless, he obeyed the command and relaxed his foot on the pedal a little.

"Left at the end of the road, please," his instructor said. "And don't forget your indicator this time."

"Why," Artemis asked irritably, "Do I need the indicator? No other cars drive in this area. There is nobody to indicate to."

"Getting into good habits is important, Artemis." If Kyle had noticed Artemis' tone, he was entirely unaffected by it. "Left, please."

Artemis scowled, but flicked the indicator switch as they approached the end of the road, signaling his turn. He turned the wheel, thinking to himself that perhaps going along with this would get it over with more quickly. Enough to please Mother, at any rate.

"Turn the wheel more, next time. We'll hit the curb otherwise," Kyle said gently. "Think of it like a video game. Don't you play video games?"

"No," Artemis replied shortly. "I don't." I have much more pressing matters on my mind than video games, he added silently, Matters that would boggle your mind.

"Perhaps you should," his instructor suggested. "It may help you to relax. There's no need to treat the vehicle like an enemy to be beaten, you know. No need to be afraid."

The boy genius felt something close to fury explode inside of him. "Afraid?" he demanded. "This vehicle does not scare me. I have been able to fly a plane since I was a child."

They drove in silence for a few moments, and Artemis felt a sense of smug satisfaction that he had managed to surprise Kyle into silence. He was looking forward to telling A2.2 about it later, when-

"Well then," the older man said, in a cheerful tone. "This shouldn't be difficult for you. Right at the next junction, please, and don't forget your indicator."

Underneath Fowl Manor

Mulch regretted leaving the moment he got the phone call. He had decided to dig the whole way, and he could tell it was already daytime.

_At least I brought extra sunblock,_ he thought, laughing in his head. He was careful not to laugh out loud, as that might cause him to choke.

Eventually, he tasted the all-too-familiar soil of Fowl Manor. His ultra-sensitive beard hair directed him to the foundation of the house itself. He opted to surprise the Mud Boy by sneaking in through the wine cellar.

As he tunneled, he thought about what he was going to do after he 'discovered' that Artemis was not at fault, he would have to find another lead.

_Maybe Artemis can help,_ he thought sarcastically. Then he almost stopped, suddenly realizing why Commander Kelp told him to check with Artemis on a crime he obviously didn't commit. Trouble was expecting trouble. He knew this issue was going to get big, and he secretly wanted the human's help.

Mulch grinned as much as he could with an unhinged jaw.

In a few minutes, he popped out into the wine cellar. He climbed out of his tunnel, rebuttoning his bum-flap as he did. He turned toward the stairs, and strode up confidently. He didn't notice the small camera following his every move in the dark cellar.

The dwarf cautiously opened the door at the top of the steps. When he peeked his head out, he saw nobody in the hallway around him, so he stepped completely out. The moment he did, two large hands came in front of his face, covering his mouth, keeping him from making any noise.

Mulch was about to chomp down on the flesh in front of him when a voice behind him said, "It's me. Don't bite. I just didn't want you to make any sound as you came in."

Mulch slowly closed his mouth, and the big hands let go, allowing him to turn around and see the massive form of Butler in front of him.

The big man almost smiled. "Do you always have to come in through the cellar?" he asked. "Can't you just knock on the front door for once?"

The dwarf smiled back. "Of course I have to sneak in. It's no fun for me, otherwise. How did you know I was here?"

"Artemis had a camera set up down there, in case you ever wanted to drop by unexpectedly. This way, it will be more...expected."

"Oh," was all Mulch could say. He should have expected it, really. It was his favorite way in. _Guess I need to mix it up a little, keep 'em on their toes._

He grinned wildly.

"What are you grinning at?" Butler asked ominously.

"Nothing you would care to know," Mulch replied. "I need to talk to Arty."

"Right this way," said the bodyguard.


	14. Chapter 13

**There is a reference to Arty trying to make sandwiches, and I can't remember if that is from one of the books, or from someone's fanfiction. If it was from a fanfiction, sorry for "copying". It was just mentioned in passing.**

**P.S. IDOAF**

Mulch followed Butler through the house and up to Artemis's study. The stopped outside the door as a loud laugh came from inside. It startled them both.

"All his life, I've never heard Artemis laugh that loudly for that long," whispered Butler. "She's really been opening him up."

"She? Who's this 'she'? Does Arty have a girlfriend?" the dwarf asked, intrigued.

"No! That would be incestuous!" Butler blurted out, looking almost mortified at the idea.

"Incestuous? Arty doesn't have a sister, does he?"

"Nevermind. Forget I said that. It'll all be explained soon enough anyway."

_Curiouser and curiouser._

Another peal of laughter came from inside the room, this time slightly higher in pitch.

"You'll like Artemis," Butler said just before opening the door.

"I know Artemis. I do like him. We think alike."

"Wrong Artemis."

Before Mulch could respond, Butler led him into the study. Sitting in the desk chair was Artemis, but his face was red from laughter, a look Mulch had never seen on him before. His smile lingered, and Butler thought it looked good on his charge.

Sitting in an armchair facing him was a girl who, by Mulch's reckoning, looked exactly like the boy across from her, only with long hair and a more feminine aura about her.

"A clone," he said under his breath.

Artemis heard him and looked up. Upon seeing Mulch and his bodyguard, he hastily wiped away his smile and cleared his throat wildly. He took several deep breaths to remove the excess color from his flushed cheeks. These actions were mirrored by the girl.

"Mulch. I wasn't expecting you so soon. Butler, you do work quickly," he rambled, still getting a hold of himself.

Butler allowed a slight smile.

"Good afternoon, Mulch," said the girl.

The dwarf swung his gaze to the clone. "How did you know my name?"

"Well, Artemis here just said it, for one thing. And I happen to know who you are. I know everything that Artemis knows," she replied smugly, sounding exactly like the Fowl heir.

"Makes sense," he huffed. "You appear to be his clone, and so it would make sense for you to know what he does." He jerked a thumb toward the boy in the chair as he said it.

"So, clone, what's your name?"

"Haven't you guessed?" she replied easily. "My name, my friend, is Artemis."

"D'Avrit," he said. "This is going to get confusing."

Before explaining why he was there to either of the Artemii, Mulch insisted on having something to eat. Butler walked off to the kitchens, grumbling something about nobody else going to make Mulch a sandwich every time he comes over.

When he returned, he had regained his composure, and the dwarf scarfed down the bread, cheese, and lettuce compilation.

"You make the best sandwiches, my friend," he said when he was done. "Much better than the ones Arty the genius makes."

Artemis and Artemis both winced at the same time, remembering their failed attempt at food preparation.

Mulch watched them, truly impressed. "That's uncanny," he said to them.

The two of them grinned maniacally. "It's what we do best," they replied in unison.

Mulch shuddered. The world had enough Fowls without this one too, he thought.

"I bet you two geniuses are wondering why I stopped by this time," he said eventually.

The two "geniuses" refrained from correcting the dwarf's pluralisation, for once.

"Someone has been stealing LEP equipment, and Commander Kelp hired me to investigate. Guess who suspect number one is?"

All eyes turned to face Artemis male. All except A2.2's, that is.

"It's not him," she said quietly.

"Of course, it isn't," said Mulch easily. "I get the feeling old Trubs sent me up here to enlist you rather than detain you."

"It makes sense," Artemis male said. "He simply doesn't want to ask for my help directly. Why not send a private investigator to get me for him? I suppose I shall have to assist, won't I?" he asked to no one in particular.

A2.2 looked at him and smiled. "It seems the commander will be getting twice as much Fowl brand assistance than he was expecting. Mulch, I don't suppose Commander Kelp knows of my...existence?"

It was Mulch's turn to smile at Artemis. "No, I don't think he does."


	15. Chapter 14

**IDOAF**

Haven City

Ilex was exhausted after the day's work. There was an accident, and she had had to run all around the scene, reassuring people and answering questions, containing the situation before it got any worse. There had been a gawking audience even before the healers had arrived, and the whole road had had to be cordoned off. All in all, it had been a nightmare.

She fell backwards onto her bed, and closed her eyes while she thought.

_Jorda should be coming tonight. It seems our little heist was successful. But I want to hear it in person._

She took several deep breaths. _I hate having to steal equipment from my fellow officers like that, but it is necessary for my plan. Artemis Fowl won't be a problem anymore. And besides_, she consoled herself, _it's a little payback for keeping me in traffic for so long._

Laying quietly on the bed, Ilex waited, gathering strength. An hour later, there was a gentle tapping on her window that faced away from the street.

"Finally," she mumbled. The window slid open easily with the lightest of touches, and a dwarf tumbled into her bedroom.

This dwarf was two and a half feet tall, slightly below average height. A relatively thin beard grew from the dirty face, and the teeth were very square and thick.

The newcomer looked up and said a quick hello to the elf.

"Jorda," Ilex replied easily, despite her disgust at the dwarf's smell. "How are you? How did the _event_ go?"

The dwarf smiled. "Quite well, actually. They'll never catch me. I dig almost as good as Diggums himself,"

"Well, my girl, we'll have to see. I hear Mr. Diggums is pretty good," the elf taunted. She enjoyed taunting her cohort, although she wouldn't have risked those teeth of Jorda Hammer's if the dwarf wasn't firmly under the control of the mesmer.

"I have another task for you, Jorda," she continued, her voice now layered with magic.

"Anything," Jorda replied.

"I need you to do some surveillance at Fowl Manor. Find out as much as you can about the raven-haired boy and his accomplices. I don't want any surprises. And if you see him, bring him back here if you can."

"Of course. When do you need me to start?"

Ilex grinned. "Immediately,"


	16. Chapter 15

**Surprise, y'all! Fifth chapter! The last one was so short, so I decided to post another one. Enjoy the opposite of the previous chapter, length wise!**

**P.S. IDOAF**

Fowl Manor

Both Artemii paced anxiously across the length of the study, in opposite directions, passing each other every few seconds.

Butler watched them, then resignedly shook his head.

"I don't know what you two are worried about," he said to them.

They said nothing, continuing to stew.

"It's not like this is a meeting with an important business partner,"

The twins stopped, standing next to each other, about to cross again. In unison, they said, "I know. It's worse," and resumed pacing.

The bodyguard sighed. "This is a normal thing for teenagers to do."

Once again they stopped. This time, vampiric grins lit their identical features.

"We are not normal teenagers," they replied.

"I know," said Butler. The Artemii returned to their pacing.

He sighed again. "This is a relatively simple thing that you two are doing. You're not saving the world," he continued.

No response.

Butler groaned. He hated all the pacing.

He was about to simply ask them to stop, when a long series of chimes caught his attention.

Both of the Artemii stop suddenly, looking nervously at the clock, like a pair of Cinderellas at midnight.

The man smiled. "Your friend is here," he said unnecessarily.

Artemis and his twin almost perspired with anxiety.

"Shall I let her in?"

The two of them nearly jumped. A2.2 glanced sidelong at Artemis. He stuttered. "O-of course," he mumbled. Most unlike him.

The bodyguard grinned again. "Very well, sir."

And, without another word, he turned and left the room. After a moment's hesitation, the raven-haired teenagers followed him.

By the time they reached the parlor, Butler had already led Jessica McStrat inside. She turned in slow circles in the center of the room, staring at her surroundings in admiration.

"This place is huge," she said. "Ah knew Artemis was upper class, but this is incredible!"

"Thank you," said both Artemii at once.

"Oh! Didn't see ya there," she replied. "You two are so quiet. Your...butler here was kind enough to show me in. Thanks, by the way," she continued, somewhat nervously. Butler had that effect on most people.

"It's just Butler," the man-giant said gently, trying not to scare the poor girl.

"Oh. Alright." She seemed a bit overawed by both his sheer size and the rich decor around her.

Artemis male cleared his throat. "Butler, perhaps you should begin preparing dinner. Or at the very least have some of the staff prepare it." He seemed a bit anxious. This was the first time he had a friend come to the manor to join him for a meal. The thought made Butler smile.

"Jessica, why don't you join me upstairs. I have a great book by Louisa Gilder that you might be interested in, The Age of Entanglement," A2.2 said to their guest, trying to move things along.

Jessica focused her attention away from the exquisite architecture. "Ah think I might have read that one. Isn't that the one where she talks about quantum entanglement? I thought that quantum physics couldn't possibly get more complex, an' yet..."

"Perhaps we could discuss this at length in the study," Artemis female replied, happily grabbing the lifeline of a conversational topic. "Come, brother. Be a good host,"

Artemis male started guiltily. He had been lost in thought. "Of course," he replied absently.

As the three of them walked up the stairs, Jessica brought up an unexpected problem.

"I suppose it's gonna get real confusin' calling ya both 'Artemis' all the time. I'm surprised your parents did that to ya," she said casually.

Internally, both Artemii groaned. How could they have missed that crucial detail? Luckily, they both had a plan, and one look told them that the other knew what was about to happen.

"'Artemis' isn't her real name," they boy said easily.

"It's not?" Jessica asked, clearly confused.

"No. We just say that to confuse people and scare them away. As you may have guessed, we are not too familiar with social conventions," he continued.

Though the girl said nothing, the look on her face was enough for the twins to know she had, in fact, guessed this. She had talked to Artemis often enough at the university. They seemed to have a lot of similar interests, but the two of them seemed to attend the classes only for a laugh, not because they intended to learn anything. Needless to say, Jessica was quite surprised by their awkward-and sudden-invitation to dinner at their house.

"If you don't want to carry on with our little mind games," said A2.2, "You can call me Diana."

_Diana is the Roman name for the goddess Artemis,_ Jessica realized. _These two are two sides of the same coin._

"Alright," Jessica replied. Certainly easier than two Artemises...Artemii...easier than the two of 'em having the same name. "If ya want, you guys can call me Jess. It's what all mah friends call me,"

The two Artemii nearly tripped on the staircase. They both suddenly realized they had made a friend. A human friend who wasn't their lifelong bodyguard or his sister. An actual friend. They both grinned.

"Alright, Jess," they said in unison.


End file.
